Car-Sin-No-Da

I am an Asian American. I live in the Southwest. I am 53 years old, an artist, teacher, husband and a father to a six-year-old boy and a ten-year-old girl.

I have recently had a positive biopsy for high grade, transitional cell, renal carcinoma.

This week, during final critiques, I shared that bit of information with my students. I feel good about having done that. In doing so, I realized I am learning things about my body, and about cancer that should be shared. So this blog will be that sharing.

I’ll state at the outset that my interest is in addressing this in the same way I address most things: visually. But there will be my words.

So I’ll start with a few words about the name of the blog. The word carcinoma has been recently filling my thoughts. Other things have as well. The prognosis for my particular cancer is quite good. However, over the last several months, while we were looking for the source of my gross hematuria, I have been thinking a lot about my own mortality. In particular, I have had many thoughts of anger, loss and fear related to the possibility of not being there for my family. They would have, I thought, no Dad – No Da.

The Car-Sin part is a little more complex.

Like many Americans, I am very concerned about the war in Iraq. And like most Americans living in the western United States, I own cars. In my family’s case, the vehicles are 1994 mid-size sedan that still gets about 20.5 miles per gallon and a mid-size SUV that gets about 19.5 MPG. We like these vehicles. However, it is quite apparent that young men and women are laying their lives on the line for some crazy notion that we can use the military to force democracy on people that don’t really want it – people that just happen to have a lot of oil.

In my mind, this is connected to a larger idea that the places we inhabit (our planet and our bodies) are sites that we must take care of. We have to inhabit these places, and how we do it determines the quality of our lives. Our planet is clearly polluted, and Phoenix is a big, dirty city. On a relative scale though, Phoenix seems immaculate compared to Jiangmen City, a city I know well, which is in Guangdong province in the People’s Republic of China. My point is that our ability to minimize pollution is largely a result of economic wealth.

Just like the idea that large numbers of people live with cancer only in relatively wealthy countries, where life expectancies are long.

So who knows why I have carcinoma? I live a comfortable life. Always there has been food and shelter. I have a loving family. Prior to cancer, there was more stress in my life than I care for, but less than most people I imagine. As a teacher of photography, I am around more than my share of chemicals. I eat meat. The idea here is that I make no claim to be perfect – nor do I desire such a state. Perfection, a mentor once told me, is the root of all evil.

But since I have no need for perfection, one could say that, to a certain degree, I live in sin. I would certainly argue about that, but for my purposes here (making language to describe a train-wreck, or something like that) I'll say one could say that. And the car is maybe the one I feel most guilty about because Americans are dying in a country that has a lot of oil. The sin of the car – Car-Sin.

Carcinoma – Car-Sin-No-Da.

So, maybe that’s what this will be about. Maybe it will be impossible to stay positive when I make it so complex. It’s just that when I walk in the morning, I have a lot of time to think.

The walking is taking care of myself. This morning, it was 3.1 miles in about 50 minutes. The walking is being on Earth. It is feeling what distance is.

It is time.

I hope you'll read more.